The Rules of Youth Soccer

So...when Spring soccer came around I volunteered to coach my son's first grade team. I've never actually played soccer in real life yet apparently am still qualified to coach the 1st graders. After two practices and one game I started this post but for some reason never actually published it. Possibly I thought it was a little too harsh. Now that we can all laugh at my less-than-adequate coaching skills, and the kids I'll never see again, I thought you might enjoy my youth soccer cynicism.

The Rules of Youth Soccer (As They Should Be):

Rule #1: The purpose of soccer is to score points. Not to wrestle with your buddy, find worms in the grass, or show coach how you can do the monkey bars.

Rule #2: No picking your nose.

Rule #3: Your mom will always cheer for you even when you're no good at all. That doesn't mean you don't have to practice, or try harder, to learn the game. "Good Shot!" from a mom means nothing in real life except that your mom encourages mediocrity. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow kids.

Rule #4: Do not tell your coach about your guinea pig named biscuit, your trip to see your grandmother, your super funny neighbor, or how you ride the bus to school, especially when we are in the middle of the game, because the coach doesn't care.

Rule #5: The coaches are voluntary and not paid, so if you don't like something it's your problem.

Rule #6: When the ball comes toward you it is your job to get it to the OPPONENTS goal. I know our goal is closer and you have an open shot but that is just not going to work.

Rule #7: When we play against the team with the giant red-head it is your job to TAKE HIM OUT!

Rule #8: No, I do not have a tissue and I WILL NOT wipe your nose.

Rule #9: I have the whistle, that means you listen to me.